well do yall really want to know whats been goin on. i dont think yall do cause ive been alil crazy lately. sorry its been so long but so much has happend. so like about 3 weeks ago i was put in a mental hospital and i stayed there for about 3 to 4 days. it didnt do a bit of good. and i wasnt put there cause i wanted to kill myself or some shit like that. i went cause i thought it would help me stop cutting. ive been a cutter for about 6 years and thats about the only thing i havnt tried. well that didnt help at all. i dontknow what the fuck im goin to do. its the only thing that helps. but through the years its just been gettin worse and worse and happens more and more. so they put me on a drug and like its supposed to help and ive been ok for the past couple days but then somethin happed at school and it was too much for me. so i started to cry and i cried and cried and cried. i couldnt stop and so i went to call home and like the assistant principle and she took me to the conciler and then all this shit happpend and they saw the scares on my arm and said i couldnt come back to school till i get an ok from a docter. so like i have an appointment on monday. so ill be missin all that school. man i really feel like shit. it never goes away andit feels even worse now cause every1 knows about it. my mom almost crys all the time so does my oma. i know it really hurts sarah. she came and visited me when i was at that place it really must of been hard for her. i know it was. i could see it in her eyes. well i think im goin to go but ill leave yall with a pic so yall remember what i look like....

do u think im beautiful?

last weekend was crazy. like some of the thing i did or happend i never thought would. i dont even know really where to start. umm i think on sat is really where it started. i went over sarahs and we hung out and i started to think taht i really wanted to kiss her so i did. and things got alil weird so i said sorry then it happend again and like we started to make out and then she started to cry....i didnt know what to do. she was cryin for like 30 min. it really kinda scared me. so i told her that we needed to talk about this but of course she didnt want to. i let it go but i really wanted to stay with her. cause of all that so i called up my mom and asked if i could stay the night. she said no but i told her i really need this and so does sarah so she finally said ok but that owuld be the only time we could.

so alil later that night steph call sarah up and wants to stay the night. she came over and liek we were all hanging out. she was really sad cause her bf just broke up with her. so we were tryin to make her feel better. then well some reason i started to play with her hair and so she started to play with mine. then she started to pull my hair and like i told her to stop cause that like a really big tease!!!! she was like no and askin sarah if it was ok if she teased me and sarah of course said yea i dare u. so she keeps on and on. its like driving me crazy cause i havnt had sex in liek 2 weeks. so  sarah goes out to smoke a cig and stephs still teasing me. and some how we started to make out and our tops home off then sarah walk in and starts to laugh at us. i was like what the hell.

so well sarah tells us that she had a plan the whole time to get us to have sex. i thought she was joking but i think she is tellin the truth now. so like it kinda got alil weird but umm what ended up happening was that me and steph had sex in front of sarah....not really meanin to do it in front of her it just happend. all of this shit just kinda happend and not meaning to.

so it was about 6 in the mornin and we r all still up and steph and sarah went out side to smoke a cig and i was trying to go to sleep cause i had to get up at 8 so i could be at home at 9 and clean my room. then sarah comes into the room sayin i burnt my eye with my cig and im liek what the hell r u talkin about!!!!!!!!! she really did burn her eye with a cig. u could see then burn on her eye!!!! it was so crazy so steph calls 911 askin she we take sarah to the hospital and they say yes lol so i had to drive to the hospital at like 6 in the mornin and stayed there for about and hour and a half. sarah was ok she just needed to take some drops.

so like all that night i only had about an hour of sleep cause when i got home i had to clean my room and do all that shit. it was such a crazy weekend and then monday i go to school and tell heather what happend cause i thought it was kinda funny and she gets mad at me cause of it. she was just liek ive liked u for along time and youve been  with sarah for along time and then when u r finally not with her u fuck some1 else. i really didnt know what to say i kinda felt bad. i cant help what happend.

then when school was over i went to steph cause she had somethin of mine. and i thought thing were goin to be kinda weird but they werent. it was just nothin. i thought that was really cool. i couldnt stay long cuase i had to take another steph home that was with me. well on the way home i kinda hit a cop.... well i think it was a cop cause like my miror hit the side of his car and liek i start to freak. mostly cuase my mom said if i hit anythin i wont be able to pay the insurance. so i pull ove and the guy stops and is like u know u hit me and i say yea im really really sorry. he says i think i might need to call the cops cause this is a compony and its funny i was on my way there. then he starts to mess with it and it look like it was comin off. so he says that its alright and we can just go on our way. wow im so lucky.

well that about all that has happend lol its really alot. oh and i have lost my voice and i have no school 2morrow. im goin to go. love yall

sick

so my week has really just not been goin my way. sarah and me have been broken up for a week now. its just killin me inside. i miss her so much and want to be with her but not when things r goin the way they r. she wont even tlak about what happend. she just says i dont know and it drive me crazy. it also makes me freak out cuase it just feels like she doesnt care and doesnt want me. god things r just so fucked up.

i also got ISS for 2 days cuase im a bad kid. well not really i had a choice go back to mrs watkins class or go to iss to cool off. so thats what i did. but she has just been pissing me off so bad. i fuckin hate her. shes a bitch to me and rude to be but no1 else can see that but me. she is now sayin that i make other people not respect her what kind of bull shit is that. its not like i held a gun to their had and was like be a bitch to her. they do that on their own cuase shes a shitty teacher in every single way!!!!!!!!!!!!

and wow isnt gass gettinf really high. and right about the time when my houtrs at work get cut. cause they went over their hours by like 60. thats just crazy right there. for awhile i thought i was gettinf fired but i wasnt. i work rreally hard there and try my best so i dont think they can firer me well they could if they really wanted to but im sure that they dont. i also have a shit load of homework to do and tests. i dodnt know what to do i have do much shit on my plate right now its just insane.

oh im also tryin to start a gay lesbian and straight program at my school i have an appointment with my princibel so i can try and get him to let me do it. they said im the 1st person in the school to try and start somethin like that so i have to really loook up some research and  do everythin i can. if any1 would like to help me just let me know. cuase that would be really great!!!!

shitty

me and sarah have been 2gether for ......

7 month and 1day 2day!!!!!!

Just had the best night with Sarah!!!!

I <3 her oh so much!!!

so i went to NY (not NY city) to visit family up there and for my cousin stephanie graduation. they live in like the smallest town that they have to use anothers town name so they can get mail cause they dont have a post office and there is only one stop light in the whole town. they also live like 5 miles away for every1. it took us about 12 hours to get there it was a long ass drive. i was thinking to myself the whole time how can any1 want to live all the way out here. so we got there and every1 said there hellos and that was that night.

so friday was graduation. it wasnt really a dress up thing. it wass outside and there was chairs and benches for u to sit on. where the grads had to sit looked really nice they had this half circle of white and blue balloons (their school colors) and then 2005 in ballons under that. there were only 71 grads and there whole thing was so different from here. people were aloud to clap for their kids u cant do that here and there is more like 400 grads then just 71. but it was really nice. i took a shit load of pics so ill be posting them soon. later that nightwe went home and at pizza it was really really good. it was buffalo pizza. man that was soooo good.

on sat my aunt was throwing a grad party for steph but in the mornin my oma woke me up and was like to u want to go see niagara falls cause we were talkin about it on the way up to there and she said that uncle marvin would take me. i really wanted to go to canada so i said yea. so uncle marvin and i skipped the party and left at like 8 in the mornin. it took alil over 3 hours to get there. but it was so much fun and really reallyh hot. it was liek 97 outside. i thought it should of been cold u know being canada and everythin. but anyways i got to see the falls it was really beautiful. i took alot of pics of that too. it was great u could feel the falls mist and u walked by it. then we walked around a bit when to some stores. we also went up in the skylon tower. it felt sooo good up there. really windy. i got really good pics from the falls up there. then we walked some more and decided to go to hard rock cafe it was really nice. but we were so hot that we just got ice cream that stuff was so good!!!!!! we walked somemore (there was alot of walking) and went into a honted house it was scary goin in there cause u didnt know what was happening but then when u got out it just seemed like nothin. we ended up goin to some more stores. we went into some pipe stores they had some really pretty bongs and pipes. it was getting late so we had to go. so we walked back to the car but we stopped at one more store. so i could buy somethin but all the shirts were to big so i just got a shot glass. so we drove back and when we got back it was about 8 i think and steph and heather and nathen were gone. aunt maria said they went to a club to see some bands play (we all were talkin about goin that other night) so we get back in our car and drive there it took about an hour. we miss 3 of the bands but the last band was the only one a really wanted to see. Blindside was playin there. they were really good even for the lead singer havin a sore throat. it was alot of fun but i forgot my camera in the car. :( so i dont have any pic of that but heather does and shes is goin to send me some so im hopeing i will post them soon. they only played about an hour so then we went home.

sunday we drove all the way back to NC it only took 11 hours this time but it seemed so much longer then that. im happy that im back home. i really missed every1 but most of all i missed sarah!!!!!!!!!!

me and sarah have been 2gether for 6 mounths since sunday!!!!!!!!!

i didnt get to see her on sunday so i was kinda sad but ill see her in a couple of days. other then whats happend in the last few days nothins been goin on other then i can take my drivers test now and im still lookin for a job. well i think this has been my longest journal entry in a long time well i really missed lj alot im soo happy that im back <3

cheerful